My Blog

 

NICU – Neonatal Intensive Care Unit – I have a love/hate relationship with it. I am thankful for the technology and the knowledge and the nurses and the doctors who have one of the hardest and most stressful jobs. The NICU doctors and nurse have to be detectives because their patients can’t tell them where it hurts, their pain level or discomfort; the mothers and staff are on constant alert. Eventually, you will learn the difference between a cry of pain and a cry of discomfort, but even after that, you have figure out where the pain is located or what is causing their discomfort. Then there are the babies who are more docile and passive and don’t cry, and out of nowhere their heart rate drops and the alarms go off. It amazes me when something changes with my granddaughter, and they need a sonogram or an x-ray they can do it all at the bedside. When my daughter voices her concerns about any changes with my granddaughter, the nurses listen and take it seriously, and they make notes, they share the information with the doctor and monitor her more closely. For that, I am thankful. Egleston has the most amazing staff, and it has been a blessing, and I am in awe daily with the staff at Egleston.

For the last eight weeks, my granddaughter has been in NICU. Shortly after birth, she was diagnosed with having an Esophageal Atresia and a Vascular Ring. At times the stress has been unbearable, and I have noticed that I tend to take more on myself because I’m not only the grandmother but I am the mother of the of a mother whose child is in NICU, so I have to be strong for both of them. I have to make sure I can take care of my daughter and be there for my granddaughter when my daughter needs a break. Most days, I appear to be strong and confident. I question everything the doctors and the nurses do and tell us (mostly so I can understand, mostly so I can make sure nothing is missed), I keep up with all of the housekeeping items, and I watch. I watch my daughter, and I step in if she is overwhelmed. I watch my granddaughter’s vitals, and I notify the nurses if I think she is struggling to breathe or seems to be in pain. But on the inside, I am screaming and falling apart. When we leave the NICU, I spent the next few hours hearing the alarms and chimes. I wake up hearing the alarms; I now can tell the difference between each alarm and what they mean. I can’t stand to go out to a crowded restaurant because the noise is overwhelming. I will hear a microwave go off and my body tightens, and I immediately go into defense mode. I started wondering can a parent show signs of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) from an extended amount of time in NICU? The APA DSM-V list the following symptoms for PTSD: first you have to have witnessed or been a part of a traumatic event (I would say watching your child struggle to breathe and in pain and hooked up to seven different machines would be a traumatic event so ✓) along with a combination of re-experiencing the event;  nightmares, intrusive thoughts of the traumatic event, flashbacks, marked emotional distress when exposed to traumatic reminders, strong physiologic reaction when exposed to traumatic reminders. The outcome could also trigger irritable behavior and angry outbursts, reckless or self-destructive behavior, hypervigilance, exaggerated startle response, concentration problems, sleep disturbance.

I have seen several of these behaviors in the mothers of a NICU baby. They are watching their child struggle and that is a traumatic event. We all spend the day on a roller coaster of emotions first your baby getting better and then getting worse. I, myself, have had to deal with my granddaughter having bradycardia in my arms. One minute she was awake and alert, and the next minute she was blue and non-responsive; after a few minutes they resuscitate her and she was back. It was one of the scariest moments of my life.  There are those who think the NICU is a quiet, peaceful place where you just sit and watch your baby sleep, but it’s not. Those nurses are on high alert, and they are in constant motion. There is always an alarm going off, or a baby needing to be changed, or vitals that need to be check, and medication to be given. We hear other parents crying from concern. We’ve watched families fall apart after losing their child, and we have watched others go home with their child wishing it was us. That roller-coaster of emotions wears on your nerves, it is painful, it is exhausting, and it never stops. I’ve dealt with the bad dreams and the flashbacks. I’ve watched other mothers lash out at nurses knowing it was not personal and understanding that it is a reaction to their own fears and uncertainty, and I’ve dealt with concentration and sleep problems. I find it hard to get back into the real world when after being cocooned in the NICU unit; and I’m a grandparent!

We are on constant watch for any changes with my granddaughter. I think a lot of people think we just sit up there in a quiet room and watch her sleep, but it is nothing like that. Just the transitioning of her from the crib to her mother’s chest for skin to skin time is stressful. She is attached to a feeding tube, out output monitor, heart monitors, oxygen, an Anderson tube, and IVs. All of those items are attached to various machines on two different poles. It takes three of us to move her, myself, my daughter, and a nurse to make sure it is done safely. And then I am always watching; watching her, watching my daughter, watching the monitors, checking her output for blood. Every time she cries, you have to figure out why. Is she in pain, or is she uncomfortable? She is much more alert and aware now. She is tired of the nasal cannula for the oxygen, and she has ripped out several times. She’s tired of the blood being drawn and the procedures. After her last procedure as soon as we got her back on her mother’s chest, she lifted her head up and looked her straight in the eye and started complaining not crying but cooing in a very “I am not happy about all this stuff they are doing momma, and I want to go home.” It made me smile I’m glad she is alert enough to get frustrated with them poking her it’s so much better then after her first surgery was, she retreated and didn’t wake up from anesthesia for 2 ½ days. I’d rather her be complaining.

The journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics states that Parents of premature infants are susceptible to developing trauma symptoms related to their NICU experience. There are no current well-established interventions that simultaneously address both parental trauma as well as a redefinition of the parenting experience.” And I see it I walk in and out of that NICU and we all look like zombies uncertain about the future and wondering how we got there. We are riddled with sadness, grief, and even guilt. But a lot of us don’t want to sit around and share our stories with each other. I think it’s because our stories are enough to handle and we can’t take others onto.  They also found that 44% of NICU parents show signs of Acute Stress Disorder ASD along with symptoms of PTSD.

We are one of the lucky ones. We have a large supportive family. My daughter and I are able to visit my granddaughter every day. My daughter has been able to produce breast milk, and she started skin to skin 4 days after the birth of her daughter. We have family members in the medical field who have helped us navigate and guide us through this overwhelming situation. So what do we do for the parents who do not have the support that we have? How and where do they go for support and help? Today many NICUs have caseworkers and child life specialist who help the parents find the support they need. They also set up events for the parents, such as beads of courage and bingo; these help the parents escape for a short time and connect with others. The Ronald McDonald House creates an environment where parents can stay for a small donation and not worry about the cost of a hotel. These are all great resources, but more needs to be done. Mothers need to reach out and be able to ask for help, staff members need to share resources for mothers to use, and counselors need to make the trip to the hospital for those parents.

If you are a loved one is experiencing anxiety, trauma or depression due to chronic illness of a loved one please know that I pray for each of you daily and I would recommend you ask one of the nurses if there is a case worker, social worker, counselor or Chaplin on staff.  You can also reach out to Dr. Natasha Thomas at Hope Grove Psychiatry in Alpharetta at hopegrovepsychiatry@gmail.com

 

Shaw, R. J; (2013). Prevention of Traumatic Stress in Mothers with Preterm Infants: A Randomized Control Trail. National Institute of Health. Journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3784295/

 

I don’t know what’s harder being the mother of a premie in the NICU or being the grandmother of a premie in NICU. I am the grandmother of a 1-week old granddaughter that was born at 35 weeks. She has been diagnosed with a vascular ring and Esophageal atresia. She has already had one surgery and she will need three or four more. Which means we will be here for about four months. That little bitty 4-pound body is attached to 7 machines and an aspirator because she cannot swallow. I worry about my granddaughter, but I also worry about my daughter, Marjorie. My heart breaks daily. I see the worry on her face about her daughter. I see her questioning herself and her ability to help out and take care of her daughter. I watch her tear up and cry every time my granddaughter is in pain. But I know I can’t cry with her. I know I have to be calm and place hands on her and help guide her through the pain. I watch her watching Autumn’s monitors and making sure every reading is where it should be. I see the guilt she feels when she’s not at the hospital and I see her exhaustion in the evening when I’m driving her home; but I also see her pushing forward and pressing on. She never complains. She doesn’t complain about pumping every three hours. She doesn’t complain about not being able to be home in her own bed because she has chosen to stay closer to the hospital. She doesn’t complain about having to wait to get in to see her daughter while the nurses are checking and flushing her lines and aspirator. I see a mother who has overcome 5 days of labor that they could not stop, and who refused pain killers. I see a warrior who with little sleep and still in pain from her c-section spends every day and most evenings with her daughter. I see a woman learning about her child’s diagnosis and who is determined to be able to take care of her no matter how much it hurts her. And it does hurt. It’s hard changing her diaper with the tubes and wires is hard. It’s hard to help flush her iv while she cries and screams. I see a woman learning how to stay calm and do what needs to be done for her child.

A true warrior.

A Mother

Do ya’ll remember my last blog topic? I was talking about finally getting to a point in my life where I knew exactly where I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to do. Do you remember how excited I was to start developing my theory and being able to apply it this fall? Well, that rug has just been pulled out from under me. Well, maybe that’s a little extreme, maybe what I should call it is a detour. Yea, let’s call it a detour because I’m not stopping and I’m not staying down! You see I am a former Argosy Student and in case you haven’t heard Argosy University closed, and not only did they close but they closed immediately with minimal warning and after they were paid for Spring semester. Yes, they were paid for the spring semester, but they closed before spring semester ended.  I know I keep repeating that same term, but you know what I’m still in disbelief. Like how the hell does a college CLOSE???? With being a former student of the clinical mental health and counseling program, I recognized that I am going through a griefing process, and I see other Argosy students doing the same. When we first heard the rumors that Argosy could be in trouble, we responded with shock, disbelief and even denial. I remember the first time I said ‘you know they could actually close if the judge does not recognize the school’s needs.’ And several classmates replied with ‘no that would never happen. I mean they wouldn’t let that happen. Surely they would take the students into consideration.’

And then it happened… My school closed.

And I immediately jumped to anger. How dare they do this to us when we have done everything that has been asked of us. How does this make me feel? Violated, cheated, angry, vulnerable, sad and then that brings me back to anger. It’s been hard. I go through the thought process of I did what was asked of me, I completed my work, I attended my class, I kept my grades up, and I paid them. I kept up my end of the bargain. They, however, did not. And when I say “They” I’m not talking about the faculty or the staff, I’m talking about the owners. Owners who I now realized never cared about me and my calling to be a counselor, or my path, or my dreams. Only the staff and faculty cared about us. Our professors were amazing; they were not the run of the mill professors. They were seasoned and knowledgeable. They didn’t just teach from a book; they also taught from their experience. Last year several of our professors in the clinical and mental health program received awards from the CACREP, CSI and the APA. They were wonderful mentors, and they were instrumental in my own personal growth, and for that I am grateful.

After the anger, I moved to depression and a feeling of loneliness. The reason is that we (the students) have felt as if we are all alone in this mess, and there is no one coming to help us. Since the closing of Argosy, I have spent the majority of my days on the phone with numerous organizations that I am a member of, such as the American Psychological Associate (APA), Counsel for Accreditation of Counseling & Related Educational Program (CACREP), and Licensed Professional Counselors Association (LPCSA); I also contacted the Board of Regents and the Secretary of State Office trying to find out what our options were and what they were going to do to help us out. Now since I’m members of each of these professional groups, I’m not going to oust who was more helpful than others, but I have to admit I was disappointed in a group that I really expected more out of. In fact, when speaking with one of the directors, I actually said “We’ve been trained to advocate for others, and we have been doing that with various groups and organizations. So, tell me who is going to advocate for us?” Needless to say, the line went silent, and I was finally told “Ms. Rhyne, I’m sure this will all work out with time.” In my mind, I was screaming “I DON’T HAVE TIME!! I START MY INTERNSHIP THIS FALL!!!!” And that is all I’m going to say about that. This was when I was felling the most isolated. I realized we were on our own and no one was going to come to rescue us.

And then the reconstruction stage. This stage makes me feel better. Any time I am in a situation that seems overwhelming I end up needing to create a plan to fix the problem. Writing and checking off list calm me, I love to check off a list. And right now, that’s where I am, in the reconstruction stage, making a plan and considering my options and my next step. I am telling myself that this may be for the best I may end up at a better school, but that is hard to accept because I Loved Argosy. I loved my professors and my academic advisor and the Director of the mental health program. I was surrounded by a diverse group of intelligent, knowledgeable people who challenged me, and I was learning, and I was growing. So, to have it taken away from me has been painful and frustrating.

The final stage is acceptance. I’m not in the acceptance part yet, I know I’m not. It may be a while before I get there. I’m still angry and frustrated, and I’m still in the reconstruction stage. However, you know what I have gained out of this ordeal? Do you remember in my last blog when I talked about envying the bloggers who could blog during a painful and frustrating time? Well, I’m doing that. I’m blogging during one of the most challenging times in my life. It would be easy to give up and quit, but that’s not something I can do.

I’m still dealing with My school closing. I’m really not sure to do with my free time, besides looking for other schools. But on Tuesday evenings I’m sitting at home wishing I was in class sharing with my classmates and my professors. Do you have any idea how it feels to make a plan and create a timeline and arrange your time, your life and your family’s life, just to have the rug pulled out from under you? Well, let me just tell you it is the worst feeling in the world. I had it all planned out. I was going to take my last two core courses this spring, and then take my National Counseling Exam this summer and start my internship this fall. But guess what? It’s not going to happen now. Because they Closed. Argosy University CLOSED. How does this even happen you ask? Because the owners of Argosy were unable to manage the finances properly. Because of that thousands of students did not receive their stipends which equals more than 9 million for just the spring semester, and the Department of Education has not approved a loan forgiven for the students. Which means we pay twice for classes we have already taken. We have also spent the last several weeks searching for another school that will take the majority of our credits and allows us to start this summer, so we don’t lose our stride.

And to be honest, I’m somewhat embarrassed. I wonder did I miss something? I mean when I was researching schools for my counseling degree, I wasn’t looking at their financial plan, I was looking at the instructors, the location, the class availability, if were they CACREP accredited and then the recommendations. Argosy was recommended to me by 10 different alumni from Psy.Ds to counselors. Their program was top notched their faculty and staff outstanding. But still, They Closed. My School is Closed…..

 

1-year and ten months… 1-year and ten months. That’s how long it’s been since I have uploaded anything to my blog. Why? Fear. Yes, that nasty little four-letter word that I despise FEAR. Up until the Spring of 2017 I was focused on my educational consulting career and my psychometric work, and I Loved it; but something was gnawing at me to do more, you know that little voice or feeling in your gut that says, ‘Ok this is good, but we could do so much more.’ Yea that voice, so I started offering more recommendations for clients and studying CBT, DBT, and ABA therapies and various diagnosis, etc. and then one afternoon I was discussing therapy techniques with a provider I work with she said ‘You know, you should be a counselor.’ Ding! Ding! Ding! There it was! That was it! Being a counselor would be my MORE! At first, I was excited and eager to start, and I shared my excitement with another college, and the response I received was surprising she actually asked me, ‘Why would you want to go back to school at your age? You would be the oldest in the class. Do you think you can keep up with your career and school? I don’t know, you may want to think about it.’ That put me in a slump, and my own negative talk started. How foolish I was to think I could go back to school and be a counselor. How silly of me to think that I had something more to offer. For months I kept pushing the consideration away, and every time I would push the possibility out of my mind, someone would cross my path and say ‘Hey, you should be a counselor,’ or I would receive information in the mail about counseling, or something would come across my desk about counseling opportunities. I may have tried to say no, but the universe was saying ‘Hey! What are you waiting for?’  And the more information that was brought to me, the more that little voice inside of me grew and more excited I became. I spent the summer of 2017 researching schools and programs and meeting with the LPSCA of Georgia, and then finally I quieten the negative talk by responding ‘I will never know until I try.’ I took my first class fall of 2017, I will take one of my last classes this summer, and my 10-month internship will begin this fall. I didn’t share this journey with a lot of people. I kept it to myself; it was precious to me. I saw it as a young, fragile child and I didn’t want anyone to question it, or laugh at it, so I held it close I nurtured it, I strengthened it, and I gave it life until it was strong enough to resist the nay-sayers, the haters, and I’ve watched it blossom. And now it’s about to take off, and I am terrified. All I keep thinking is, have I learned enough? Have I studied enough? Have I read enough? On January 2^nd I started working on my theory, and in my panic, I have purchased over 15 books in the last three weeks alone. I have a whiteboard to cover every topic and focus on my specialty. It’s taken me 18 months of sleepless nights, missed outings with friends and family, numerous papers, presentations, and exams, and in six more months, I will be able to apply everything I have learned to help others heal. I love psychometric work I truly do, but I hated letting my clients go. After spending a few days with them and seeing the anxiety and depression or learning challenges I just wanted to start giving them the tools they needed to lift them up and help them find their voice and to be proud of themselves and their uniqueness. In just six more months I will be able to do that, and for that, I feel thoroughly blessed, grateful, and humbled. So thank you for waiting, thank you for reading, and thank you for your support. From this day forward my post will be to help you recognize your habit and challenges and overcome them. My job will be to help you accept yourself and relish in your uniqueness, and my commitment will be never to stop learning and growing so I can be a better person for you.

 

#embraceyouruniqueness
#findyourvoice
#betruetoyourself
#followyourownpath

 

I hosted my first Lunch & Learn at Fresh Start for the Mind today. If you did not see the weather for Atlanta today, we were under tornado watches with high winds and thunderstorms, so I really wasn’t expecting a big turnout. Really I wasn’t expecting anyone. Then in through the door came one mother. Now at this point you’re probably thinking ‘awe that’s so sad, just one person showed up,’ well read on. When I told her I was surprised she had braved the weather for our Lunch & Learn her reply was “Oh I was not going to miss this!” My heart warmed and I realized this was one lucky woman. She had Dr. Goodman and me at her disposal for a full hour. I ditched my presentation on Embracing Your Child’s Uniqueness, and for an hour we talked about her and her children, and her children’s needs. I gave her ideas, charts, and books to read, and inspiration. I shared my story and my children’s stories. She was grateful for being the only person to show up, and I was too. I love being able to give back. I love being able to share what I have learned. I love my job.  This afternoon Dr. Goodman asked if I would co-chair the Lunch & Learn every month with him, and of course I said “YES!”  Just goes to show when you think nothing is going to happen God proves you wrong.

I am so excited to be speaking at Fresh Start for the Mind – Lunch and Learn on Monday, April 3, from noon – 1:00 pm. Bring your lunch and let’s share on How you help your child embrace their uniqueness!! Seating is limited so please call the office at 404-808-1161 to RSVP.

 

What do you look for in a school? As I parent, and an Educational Consultant, I think about this as much as you do. When my kids were in school, I kept a notebook of things my children liked and did not like about their school experience. I watch their anxiety level, and their stress levels, and I wrote it all done. That’s how I discovered my daughter had severe test anxiety. In understanding this I was able to work with her teachers and ease that anxiety during assessments. For my son it was socialization, learning proper responses and being able to read facial queues and body language.

From all of that, I go back to my question of what do you look for in a school? For me it was the following:
● Dedication of Staff – I will take a dedicated staff member over a certified teacher with a Master’s Degree any day; and in the past I have been lucky enough to have both. A dedicated staff member will go above and beyond to find a method of teaching that works for your child. A dedicated staff member will answer your 101 emails and put you at ease. A dedicated staff member has the same goals as you do. My biggest sense of pride when I ran Hayden’s Way is that we had a dedicated staff. Those women added, searched, and gave more than any other teachers I knew. They were creative, intuitive, knowledgeable, and above all dedicated. They were dedicated to the school, the students, and the parents.
● Curriculum – I want a mixture of curriculum that guides the students through their learning, and I want a variety of choices, because not every curriculum works for every child. A school needs to be able to give your child options, and I don’t care if it’s written by the Mennonites, who by the way have the best grammar book out there, or the Director of the DOE herself. I just want it clear, concise and thorough, and I want it to work for my child.
● Socialization – Let’s be honest – we all want our kids to have friends, go to parties, and have a social life. The one thing we had at Hayden’s Way was a code of conduct. This code of conduct gave ownership to the students and created empathy and responsibility. We helped our students understand that we are all different, and to respect those differences in one another. Socialization is another reason that field trips are so important. Field trips offer an educational and fun social outing for students. It creates opportunities to impart to them proper social skills. I know as parents we all try and teach this social understanding to our children, but sometimes we can start to sound like the teacher in a Charlie Brown cartoon. It’s good to have outside reinforcements to explain how their actions affect others, and to teach them how to approach a new friend. So look for a school that has a good set of ethic code and will work with you and your child to heighten their social ability.

Get in the habit of journaling what did and did not work for your child this year. Take notes on their anxiety and stresses and work with your teachers and administrators to setup an environment to succeed for your child.

And if you need help finding the right school for your child contact me. It’s what I do

It’s a very exciting time of year. IT’S THE HOLIDAYS!!! Everywhere you go people are shopping, music is playing, there is laughter and even some car honking from those procrastinators trying to bet the clock, but it’s all a happy, jolly time, but not for everyone! For a child with a sensory disorder the holidays are tortuous. So this year if you have a child on the spectrum visiting you, try and understand a few things.

If you start playing Christmas music and everyone starts singing, and they put their hands over their ears; understand, it’s not because they hate Christmas music, or your singing, and they’re not trying to ruin your holidays; they are trying to comfort themselves. These children can literally hear a pin drop. They can hear the buzzing of the T.V. when the cable box is off. Their hearing is hyper-sensitive; it’s not you, or the music.

If they begin to sing or rock or spin, they are not trying to get attention or disrupt your party, they are trying to comfort themselves. Being in large crowds can be overwhelming to them, and they have to find their space in the crowd. Doing something in repetition helps comfort them. They are not trying to ruin your holidays; they are trying to fit in.

And don’t judge the parents. Believe me they know their children better than you do. So if the parents give their child an IPad, instead of making them sit at the table and converse with everyone else, don’t judge them. That mother knows her child’s thresholds, and she knows when he needs a break. Be supportive, be understanding, be kind. That mother has gone through things you wouldn’t even begin to understand, unless you have walked through it with her. Don’t judge.

Don’t ignore the situation, reach out and try to help, but if the child resist you negatively don’t take it personally. He is not lashing out because he is rude or doesn’t like you, he is overwhelmed with his environment and he is agitated. Don’t take it personally; it has nothing to do with you.

So this season I ask that you be patient, be kind, and don’t judge.

May you all have a blessed season