This Does Not Define You

Trauma: Trauma can be created by injury, witnessing a traumatic event, sexual violation, or a natural disaster. It can be a single episode or it can be prolonged exposure with multiple violations. It can be created by a known offender or a stranger, and it can present itself in many different ways. An individual who has experienced trauma can disassociated or have a fear of intimacy. They could have trust issues or suffer from loneliness and isolation. They could struggle with alterations of cognitions and/or moods. They can be irritable or aggressive or have reckless and/or self-destructive tendencies.

Where you see a moody, angry troublemaker I see a hurt inner-child. I see a child that has been taken advantage of and abused. I see a child who trusted someone and that person betrayed their trust. I see a child who has built a wall thick enough so no one will ever be able to hurt them again; and when they lash out, I see it as a test. Yes, a test because that person has been abandoned by so many others that in their mind, they are thinking well you’re just going to leave me too so let’s just make it happen now.

I have tried for so many years to explain this to people and the response I usually get is ‘no he’s just a troublemaker, he doesn’t care, she’s just crazy, she’s just destructive etc.’ It has been so frustrating to explain how trauma presents to some people. This weekend I was watching Moana with my granddaughter and the last scene of the movie was the perfect metaphor for meeting a trauma client where they are. Te Fiti is charging towards Moana. Te Fiti is enflamed and full of rage and anger Moana remains calm and says

I have crossed the horizon to find you

I know your name

They have stolen the heart from inside you

But this does not define you

This is not who you are

You know who you are

Who you truly are

And after replacing Ti Fiti’s heart the rocks and walls around Ti Fiti shatter and her true self emerges.

Let me explain pain to you. True pain can stem from trauma, depression, oppression and anxiety and it can present as defiance, anger, or disconnection. That impatient lady behind you in the checkout line, her daughter has been in accident and she is afraid of losing her. That family member who snapped at you is feeling overwhelmed with worry; and that single mother who bit your head off she is a domestic violence survivor who is living paycheck to paycheck and skipping meals so her child can eat.

My job (our job) is to see through that anger and see the pain that lies beneath it.

I’m challenging you this week to look beyond the anger and the “rudeness” and see the pain, reach out and send up a prayer for them. Don’t give them what they are expecting (which is to be rude back to them) give them the unexpected and send them love.

Stay Safe my peeps and remember to Love one another